~I wrote this post over a year ago. I don’t know why I didn’t publish it. It guess I thought it wasn’t finished. Looking back over it now, I think it will do. Enjoy, I hope you find something in it for you.~
It has been a while since I posted here, I am sure that this will happen from time to time. And during the “pause” life has been full. Full of new life, we have a brand new nephew! So squishy and, well sleepy, and a trigger for a font of love. It has been full of family time, self reflection, getting on the back of a motorbike to ride pillion for the first, second, third and fourth time. It has also been filled with some waiting, processing and joy.
For some time during this time I have been in a kind of suspended animation, figuratively speaking. Life has felt full while I was actively engaged in it. And then in the quiet moments, those private ones where you keep your own company, I was still. Those still moments grew longer as I was waiting. I was waiting for some scan results. I don’t mind telling you because it is a curious thing, but not a thing that defines me… now.
The scan results that I was waiting for were following up an accidental finding. It was stumbled across as I played guinea pig for a study protocol- cue some nervous angst, which grows. All of a sudden your entire world seems smaller and you are questioning your identity, your development, your mind takes you to every conceivable “what if?”.
I waited for six weeks or so and I am pretty certain that during that time I achieved very little in any setting. I wasn’t dashing to vacuum the floors, I wasn’t working through my priority list effectively (there is something truly crushing about seeing the same to-do’s at the top of your list week in and week out), I was spending way too much time atrophying on the couch. Spending what energy remained on worrying about what they would find and what it would mean about who I am.
Then I get my results and they are nothing to worry about! Hooray! Some minor “been there since you were a little’un” signs were present but nothing that will impact me as I progress through life. Everyone involved in the finding and analysing is super happy… I got stuck on the “minor” something. I forgot, all in a rush, what I am capable of. I very suddenly was uber aware of all the things I find difficult.
I exhausted myself going over every corner of my being examining how well each part of me worked. I compared myself to my brilliant-with-ease brothers and focused solely on how hard I have to work to achieve what I set out to. My days, for a brief time, were like sticky mud I had to drag myself through and I wanted to throw in the towel on one thing that I couldn’t be more interested in and find so hard. Not like me. Not like the me I have known my whole life. But there I was, stuck.
I have a wonderful boss, and bless her heart she came in with the right words at the right time. Working in health we know that a high percentage of the typical healthy population has differences that in no way alter their intelligence, emotional understanding, spiritual capacity or physical functioning. They are just “minor signs” that might be picked up accidentally one day while looking at something else. What my boss did that was so awesome was say how happy she was that there was nothing to worry about. When I grimaced and admitted my fears of result-related imperfection she countered with the reason I find things hard is because I constantly challenge myself, not because of some scan.
Boom. Those words brought me back to myself like nothing else could have. I have put the magnifying glass away. I am as I have always been. I am clumsy, I have terrible visual perception, I think far too quickly about broad subject matter and have to work hard to focus on one, I am driven, I am persistent. I can be frustrating as heck. I am quirky, funny, warm hearted. I am me.
We all have something we think defines us, that holds us back. It’s time to let it go.
“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.” ~Helen Keller