Heartbreak to hope

There are some incredible people sharing their stories with the world on the interwebs and I am wholeheartedly thankful. The world can sometimes be a shitty place full of money grubbing use-your-tax-payer-dollars-to-ruin-the-environment-and-kill-all-kinds-of-life-to-line-my-pockets types of people… and then there are the ignorant minority who know little but speak loudly who have no care for the harm they do, and boy do they do harm. Well this has been the kind of week where bigots and insane government policy got me down. Tears were shed, hopelessness felt, and a very real, very distressing desire to step out of society and dwell in the wilderness became a strong pull for me.

This week came at a time that I was trying to get my mojo for work back. I do work that has always been fulfilling and intrinsically rewarding for me. I couldn’t work with computers, engineering, money. I want none of it. What has always floated my employment boat has been working with people. Making life better in big and small ways for people that have a hard time doing what they want and need to do through disability, injury or old age. I just love me some warm fuzzy helping make things better/easier/possible for someone else. And this hasn’t been tarnished for me by media reports about humans doing bad, scary things because I have successfully managed to have my head in the ground about current events for a long time. Probably very much on purpose actually, from a time that I started to feel jaded and pulled myself out of the way of reports of nastiness, vile actions of hatred, violence and (ironically) ignorance. But then in my ignorance I was free to love helping people with a full heart, unfettered by the capacity for cruelness that seems to lie in each of us…

So in this week, this strange but poignant week, many things collided in my psyche. The environment, our habitat, our life support system called. My heart and passion for my work was still incredibly AWOL and I had no idea how to retrieve it or if I could. I started writing, preparing for my website because the website started out as a way for me to express myself in my rambly, bumbly way and maybe share with people who experience some of the same or entirely different experiences to myself. I cried for baby wolves locked in steel cages, I raged at the cruelty and ignorance of people taking lives of sharks when a heavily contentious piece of policy was still not in action. I felt helpless that my government could risk the lives of people who travelled a long way in dangerous conditions seeking sanctum, by turning them back, turning them away, refusing asylum. This week my heart broke, repeatedly.

And from the wash of my own pain, through voicing my concerns, bombarding my dear friends’ facebook news feeds, I was able to hear that I was not alone. At a dinner party with friends the issues I had been struggling with were raised by my hosts and they let me know, in the extraordinary comfort of face to face exchanges, that I was not the only one feeling pain, whose heart was breaking at the sight of the world around us, a world gone mad, a world in disarray. In this care I saw hope. I reflected on all of the examples of people coming together to shine a light on so many causes, some of which I have been moved to action on. I felt comfort.

There is hope. I can draw a deep breath and have faith that we as a community are moved by the circumstances we face. All around us, when I looked, are people fighting for causes and shining the bright light of hope and human compassion. People risk their lives every day to promote the importance of maintaining the natural balance of our eco-system, advocating for the lives of people who find themselves in difficult circumstances and sharing wisdom to free us of our brow beaten entanglements. People fighting for what is right, what is fair and what is healthy for this planet and all she supports, human and other. I am grateful, I am humbled, I am hopeful.

“Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.” ~ Howard Zinn