Tag Archives: love

You Are Our Greatest Adventure

When we brought you home from the hospital, you were impossibly small and sweet, you slept and slept and you just loved nursing from your mummy and I loved nursing you dear heart. Every moment of you in my arms, me nourishing you from my body, was a moment bursting with the meaning of life- to love, to be of service, to nurture, to be present. Your little fingers interlaced your hands together while you fed, quietly squeaking for the first few months. Your favourite place to be was in our arms.

You made me wait for your first smile but then my gosh but you shone it so freely once you found it. You were charming with everyone who met you and if they had mummy’s seal of approval you were brave and bold and happy to go for a cuddle. You have always been a curious little love and since you were teeny tiny until now at almost 2 years old people exclaim about what a well-behaved child you are. Well my love, curiosity stills you but you are no angel.

You my sweet girl, are cheeky, strong willed, determined, sensitive and kind. You have a temper but it comes and goes like the wind. Like the wind you can be a soft refreshing breeze or a tempest. Rough winds come and go quickly though before you settle into a cuddle, seeking out help to get back to calm, seeking reassurance that we are still firm in our love for you. We will always stand firm in our love for you dear heart.

Your daddy and I cannot wait to show you the world, the natural world with all of its beauty. We can’t wait to show you more of the great expanse of our night sky and help you see how wonderfully precious life on this planet is. We can’t wait to introduce you to the unique sounds and smells of each season and show you all the ways life can fill your cup. We are excited to learn the things that bring you joy in a society driven by the Monday to Friday 9-5.  We want for you to know there’s more than these four walls and we want to fan the flame of adventure in your heart. You and sharing this journey with you is our greatest adventure.

“Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.” ~Khalil Gibran

A Delivery

We were pretty prepped for our labour. We had a tens machine so I could power through contractions without drugs for as long as possible. We had a playlist of our favourite tunes to keep the mood up. We had our most gorgeous photos saved to my iPad for joyful distraction. We had essential oils to ease anxiety and help labour progress. The works burger mate, with all the fillings.

We were booked for an induction, because I had gestational diabetes. Our baby wasn’t ready and my body wasn’t letting her out. Twice they tried to induce labour, a cruel jaws of life style device called a Foley’s catheter and when that didn’t work a hormone gel called prostaglandin. In the 29 hours we were on the labour ward no fewer than three other women went into labour. So many that at one stage we were without a midwife because one of those lucky (?) women needed ours, and well heck, nothing was happening in our room except growing anxiety.

We were offered two more attempts at induction or a medically indicated c-section. I don’t know if you’ve had multiple small-handed women reach into your heavily pregnant body to see what’s happening to your very high unripened cervix, but I was finding it increasingly traumatic. In lots of places they offer pain relief for that exploration… But I caved to peer pressure when I was finally offered something for the pain because I had done “so well with the last one” and I didn’t have the gas, fucking fuckers. I should have, I’d be less emotionally scarred and more likely to present for my next pap smear.

In any case, we opted for the C section. There was too great a chance we’d be in the same place after two more attempts or stopping early for an emergency Caesar with a distressed bub and/or me. The surgical team were AMAZING! They were warm, supportive, figurative angels who enveloped us in love and brought my baby girl into this world.

I welcomed my beautiful baby girl into the world the next day because she had some trouble breathing and was whisked away to neonatal intensive care in the company of her daddy and I had to be sedated because my body was shaking too hard from the epidural. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s here, she’s safe, she’s amazing. We’ve bonded despite not getting immediate skin to skin and my milk came in well before we left hospital. We haven’t suffered for how she was delivered, in fact the doctors were certain that her head was too big to come out any other way.

So I didn’t get to avoid an epidural and I got a dreaded catheter- which I was so grateful for, it was a joy not having to get up to pee! I didn’t get to use our playlist but I hammer it in the car now. We didn’t find calm with our essential oils and I handed the tens machine back untouched. I did look at our photos during a brief period that I was entirely alone on the labour ward and they did bring me temporary peace and joy. I’m not sure how useful they would have been during full blown labour though.

So our best laid plans didn’t pan out how we imagined, and it doesn’t mean a thing. We are happy, healthy and thriving. We are bonded and growing as a family each day. I didn’t push a baby the size of a watermelon out of my vagina and I’m okay with that, because however she got here, she’s here and she’s brilliant <3

A part of me briefly felt the need to claim my woman card back, you know, justify the C section, because society. But even if I had the cruisiest pregnancy you could dream of, having a c section still wouldn’t make me less of a woman and if I had been able to push her out of my vagina, it wouldn’t have made me a better mum.

Little love, I’m sure glad you’re here <3

“Before you were born I carried you under my heart. From the moment you arrived in this world until the moment I leave it, I will always carry you in my heart.” ~Mandy Harrison

Photo credit for title photo- Sebastian Merle Photography ūüôā

The Sweet Spot

I have slowed down a great deal recently and while there is still a mountain to move before this little parcel my body is carrying comes into the world, I have had time and cause to pause.

This growing baby and I have reached a sweet spot where she will not be ignored. Instead of being acutely aware of the pain in my pelvic girdle, the brace supporting my thumb, the needles of insulin and finger pricks, these all fade into the background. These niggles are white noise in the presence of her movement.

I feel her rise up against my skin and stay there as I rub and massage and commune with her being. I see her stretching and feel the pressure of her as my body gives way as much as it can to accommodate her lengthening. I feel the sudden shock of her strength as she kicks her little legs and I wonder how she can be so strong.

This is the sweet spot of pregnancy, the space we dwell together, the beginning of our getting to know one another. It is the place of our first interactions, where love existed but now blooms in full as if provided more nourishment than required. It is the space that draws in my husband to watch in awe and place his loving face with it’s prickly beard against my smooth skin to try and join us. It is the space he comes the closest, while she is in the confines of my body, to nourishing the flames of his love for her.

This incredibly special time has made all of the pot holes in this journey worthwhile. My dear sweet little one, we are already so smitten that when you are here you might just find a pair of melty heart puddles where your parents once stood. We love you dearly and you are already such a firecracker that we can’t wait to meet you, well maybe we can wait just enough to enjoy a few more weeks in this, the sweet spot <3

“I usually claim that pregnant women should not read books about pregnancy and birth.¬† Their time is too precious.¬† They should, rather, watch the moon and sing to their baby in the womb.” ¬†~Michel Odent

As The Seasons Change

As I sit here and hold your pale hand, weakened from the years, I am too aware how paper thin your skin is

I try to amuse you with stories and questions, a ramble of triviality and I see a glaze come over your eyes

You are looking at him, at your wedding photo and I know that in your heart you are there

The love that you shared is still wholesome and fresh, you’d give anything for him to be here

For him to see how your family has grown, grandchildren succeeding in a variety of things and oh! all the great-grandies!

You just know he’d be proud and you’ve felt blessed to have witnessed, but now you keenly feel his absence

You are nearing your time, it can be seen in your eyes by any who choose to look closely

The discomfort and frailty have seen pride and dignity start to slip out the door, it’s not what you signed up for

As I sit quietly by you a new life moves inside and I almost embarrass us both with my tears

I watch as you prepare to join the love of your life while a new force awakens, readying themselves to begin

And this is the blunt force of the circle of life, I am powerless in the face of it

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ¬†~Kahlil Gibran

My beautiful nan passed away tonight, two days after I wrote this. May she rest in peace with her soul mate, my dearly missed papa <3

Freedom to Love

I was talking with a beautiful friend of mine the other day. He was telling me that for the first time in his life he has met someone that he is completely comfortable holding hands with in public. He said that was weird, not because he doesn’t like holding hands with his love but because he ALWAYS worries what other people nearby will say or do in response to seeing them.

HOLD THE PHONE. I have held hands in public with EVERY romantic interest¬†I have had since I was 12 and not spared a second thought. That there is hetero-privilege, we don’t think about it because our partner just so happens to be “socially well accepted” solely due to the fact that they are of the opposite gender. Maybe we haven’t done more to change this for our friends and loved ones because it doesn’t affect us directly, we haven’t suffered cultural abuses because of our choices in matters of the heart. We haven’t extended ourselves to imagine what it would be like to be unable to marry the love of your life, because we can or already have. How often do we stop and think about the fact that this is outright discrimination with (as in all cases of discrimination) no damn good rationale beyond someone somewhere feels uncomfortable. I was floored that this is the experience of my dear friend. As much as I was over-joyed to hear his good news, I was saddened to hear that unforgiving heterosexual-centric culture had censored his comfortable and free expression of love at any point in time. But of course it has, I’m a naive white married woman and I just didn’t see it.

One of the ways that I think Australia can becomes more culturally accepting¬†of folks who love ¬†people from the same or other genders is through marriage equality. Marriage equality will legitimise LOVE ITSELF. Then we won’t have people in our society worried about the consequences of the mildest forms of PDAs (public displays of affection) and they can get on with the business of being a solid, reliable and loving partner and all around good human being. We will all legitimately have a choice about marriage. Then we can all get on with more important work like deconstructing racism and white privilege.

<Sweary addendum deleted>

Pure and simple this is ALL about EQUALITY.

“It’s a no brainer, if you’re not for gay marriage don’t marry a gay person!” ~ Whoopi Goldberg

“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how¬†you love, it matters¬†only that you love.” ~ John Lennon


You do you

Every single day we are bombarded with images on social media, news websites and on television of bigotry, hate and violence. Every single day acts associated with these are carried out because of a perceived point of difference. Perceived differences in religion, in education, in opportunity, in resources, in cultural background, in physical appearance. As I sit here and write this now it seems to me that all of these stem from the insidious, creeping, doubt fertiliser- fear of the unknown. What do we do when we experience fear? We feel threatened. What do we do when we feel threatened? We fight. With everything we have we seek to diminish the perceived threat.

With the advent of the internet came a veritable flood of information. It sweeps us along in the comfort of our lounge rooms. It creeps into our train rides, our lunch breaks, and sometimes even our bathroom breaks. We are exposed to a massive amount of commentary from all around the globe. We have access to an incredible volume of knowledge. We can learn about other cultures, we can see lands we might not ever be able to physically visit, we can learn about topics that our grandparents¬†could not have dreamed of learning unless they went to university. We can even talk to people from all around the world and further expand our horizons, we can truly grow and become a better species, more understanding and compassionate. Except…

Wherever you look there are people criticising, judging, mocking and castigating others for how they look, live, express themselves, for what they believe in. It seems that you can’t express¬†a single thought without the crushing weight of objection and differing opinion being forcefully thrust upon you, publicly halting you in your tracks, minimising, reducing and nullifying your perspective. We have forgotten how to have an intellectual conversation and explore ideas and we are left with, thanks to¬†being relatively anonymous and faceless on the internet, bullying and closed-minded expressions designed to shut down rather than encourage conversation.

I’m super tired of it. If you are reading this I’m sure you are too. We’ve seen the really interesting article and told ourselves not to look at the comments… why am I looking at the comments?! Oh I hate humanity, we’re the worst, a true cesspool of self-important filth, surely a genetic accident. It’s not very helpful. What would be far more helpful I think is interesting dialogue framed in such a way as to encourage conversation. Instead of “you f***ing ignorant bastard, shut your face before I shut it for you” perhaps a “that’s an interesting perspective, why do you think that?” or “I¬†don’t see it that way, I’m more of the opinion that…”. Perhaps then we could do away with labels and even anger and start to hear each other. Call me a dreamer but I think that doing away with fear and self-righteous indignation could soothe many of the worlds ills. Curiosity before fear would go a long way towards helping as well.

Then there’s the big stuff that shouldn’t even be a thing. Racism. WTF is with all of the racism? I saw a legend of a woman talking about racism (on the internet) and she is¬†an educator. Her message was that we aren’t born racist, we learn to be racist and the stupidest thing about racism is that there is only one race, the human race. We are all the same race just with differing levels of pigmentation in our skin. But someone decided that it benefited them to plant into small minds this idea of difference and we ate¬†that rubbish up for breakfast. Can you imagine a world without racism? Jon Lennon tried. We would still have rich and varied cultural differences and how wonderful if we could be curious about one another cultures instead of feeling threatened by them.

There are always, thank goodness, curious folk in this world who do not subscribe to fear and bigotry. There are always those who work to create conversation and effect positive change in our global societies, but they are still the exception, not the rule. Until the day comes when we can be curious, compassionate and loving beings as the norm rather than the exception. Until the day we can identify and appreciate our sameness. Until the day where we can allow one another our differences and not feel threatened. I say, you do you. Be wholly yourself. Shine your light, share your views, be curious about those who come at you from a place of anger or resistance and start the conversation.¬†The movement has been around since the beginning of human time, but just maybe you’ll help someone finally see that there’s more joy and peace in live and let live.

“Hate cages all the good things about you.” ~Terri Guillemets

The Promises We Keep

Today I finally hung up a canvas of a picture from our wedding. On this canvas are our wedding vows. It is beautiful and they are fun, heartfelt and completely free of burden and obligation.

I promise

I promise to dance with you in the kitchen and always appreciate your jokes
I promise to greet you each day with a smile and a hug
I promise to care for you when you’re sick, sad or disheartened

I promise to hold dear your dreams and help you reach them
I promise to hear you when you speak whether I like the message or not
I promise to work with you as a team through all life’s adventures

I promise to celebrate all of your highest moments
I promise to stand with you through life’s difficult ones
I promise to walk with my hand in yours through the rest

I am filled with joy when I read these over and when I see our canvas with our gorgeous selves so happy and glamorous and these words sharing space with that image I am reminded. I am reminded on the difficult days when demands are high, sleep is difficult and stress pushes every interaction in ways you don’t desire.

Work with it’s demands is an arena which can nurture¬†growth, provide challenges and opportunities to effect change in the world. Work is not home. Carrying the effect of high demands into the¬†home doesn’t help connect with your¬†heart and your inner being.¬†¬†An absence of sleep isn’t helped by the additional tetchiness that seems to exponentially multiply when left unchecked. Stress is not an intelligent driver of responses to anybody. Stress is a good reactor and it is a useful preparation tool, for a deadline or to present well in a public setting. Stress is a terrible reactor at home and it is quick to rebuff hugs and squash smiles in it’s far too serious and oft times grumpy demeanour.

I remember when I see these promises to take a breath and to offer that hug that I promised. I remember to open my ears and listen like I promised. I remember to slip my hand in his like I promised. These promises that were born out of joy and optimism for a full life of shared adventure bring me back to  what matters most to my heart.

I heard somewhere a long while ago that many couples who married didn’t remember their vows. Since on a wedding day we make promises to someone who we anticipate spending the rest of our lives with remembering your promises is likely really important. Maybe there’d be more happy and successful marriages if we all remembered and kept our promises. Scott-The-Lot and I¬†wrote our promises together and we made the same promises to each other on our wedding day. We have chosen to have them be visible¬†so that we remember and incorporate them into our everyday and our inner being. Heck if we are able to have them, even our children will know the promises we made to each other and they will see us keeping them.

I can’t help but wonder about how connected I am with these promises and about promises that I have made myself. I have set goals and I have set “new years resolutions” and I have tried to build new habits (none of these with much success) but I have never made myself a promise, certainly not with¬†such ceremony and celebration. I suspect that I should. Since these vows bring me so much joy and create a space for me to be truly present with my Scott-The-Lot¬†maybe it’s time for me to create some vows for my relationship with myself. It definitely would do me no harm and perhaps a very great deal of good. I’m going to have a go at writing some personal vows. I’d love to know what you would vow to ensure a harmonious, supportive and loving relationship with the person who will have your back every minute of your life, you.

‚ÄúLoving you is easy, it is as natural as drawing breath and as beautiful as the breaking dawn‚ÄĚ ~ Bel McLean Briggs

A Day Time Winter Wedding

Every wedding I have ever been to is the best wedding I have been to so far! There is something magical about them. An opportunity for a couple to share their love with their family and friends as they make one of the biggest commitments you can make to another human being (besides parenthood). The magic of each wedding and the individual expression and open displays of love live on in the hearts of your guests (well this guest in any case).

When it came time for us to plan our own wedding we had to take serious note of the fact that after such a big day we were going to run out of steam. But there are many more things to consider than just time of day. Date, location, style of food service, music, my anxiety levels if I literally have to wait all day before the show gets on the road, and so on.¬†¬†We had the same simple ideas and we made all our decisions in a cafe over coffee or while walking in nature. For us it had to be simple and it had to have a glorious view. We also wanted to have our own company by early evening. We came to realise the only way to enjoy our day the way we wanted it would see us marry in the morning and enjoy a sunlit view of one of our favourite places. It would be the first daytime wedding we have attended, ever. And Winter, but it’s going to be okay because it is ALWAYS sunny here in August.

We wanted the focus of our day to be on the love that we share and our commitment to each other. Our preparations had to be as stress free as humanly possible because they were preparations for a single day, a fun celebration filled day that would be a beginning of something much greater. Scott and I would face the world together without the traditional accompaniment of a bridal party.¬†We happened upon the most loving, warm hearted, kind and joyous celebrant we could have hoped to find. Emma made absolutely every detail of our ceremony glow with “us-ness” and she made the process so easy it was astounding. In¬†lieu of a bridal party¬†we asked our nearest and dearest to help with important aspects of the day itself. From invitations, decorations, flowers, hair, make-up, MC, music and the cake, every contribution was from a known place of love. ¬†Every single person in attendance¬†would be¬†a loved one and a guest. It was important for our comfort and full engagement in the day that we knew each person we came into contact with personally. The preparations were shared which meant I was pretty chilled and ¬†I got to immerse myself in the moments¬†with each person, especially my mum and shopping for the perfect dress. It all worked out beautifully¬†and was truly special.



I woke after a fitful nights sleep and rose to see the sun begin to colour the underside of a wall of black clouds. I was high up on the observation deck of the hotel that was our venue. Pacing in bare feet, water soaking into the hem of my pajama pants, my hair whipped by the wind, my fatigue being blasted from my body. This was going to be a great day. I pictured Scott being greeted with breakfast by his dear ones, them giving him the card and bottle of scotch I had organised and wondering how he was holding up. A friend joined me on the deck and after a hug drew me into the day. Loved ones would soon be joining us and they were on a schedule to get hair and makeup underway.


There was not a single moment of pause. No room for me to worry or fret. I was surrounded by an army of love set on having me ready. I moved from one person to another being lovingly prepped (and sometimes chided for fidgeting in my excitement). Hair then makeup then hair again. A quick breakfast of strawberries and champagne, throw in a little dark chocolate= breakfast of champions! Dress- check! Should I wear those large undies I bought? Oh no, where did I put them? Much sentiment with mum and dad <3 Where are my shoes…¬†The super awesome photographer, who fit right in with the loved ones, buzzing around capturing EVERYTHING! It was fun and action packed and before I knew it, it as time to go and see my love and tell him “I do”.




And so, at 10:30am on one of the stormiest days in August we got married in Scarborough, the same beach where we first met and where two years later Scott proposed. The only change we had to concede to the bad weather was a move indoors instead of that wonderfully windswept observation deck. As I walked down the aisle to the sound of Jack Johnsons “I got you”, hand in hand with my dad I saw what every bride hopes to see, tears in my soon to be husbands eyes at the sight of me approaching. Everything around us faded and I couldn’t get to his side fast enough. He said to¬†me later¬†“you told me you would look stunning, I still wasn’t prepared for just how beautiful you look”. Just now he tells me it was because he loved me so much and was just so happy that I didn’t run away.


The show mother nature was putting on didn’t stop us getting outside for some incredible photos with our intrepid photographer! There are many blessings that come with rain on your wedding day by the way. It is symbolic for having many children, some say that every drop of rain represents a moment of joy, and it is also thought to be a washing away of all that has come before. Well we are set. It bucketed down and we have started our marriage certain of joy and from a squeeky clean slate. We’ll see about the children ūüôā




We ended up being as late to the reception as we were leaving our ceremony, but the party had kicked off. Our guests were being fed and drinks were circulating and we arrived to a room brimming with good vibes and well wishes. It was time to mingle! There is something truly special about walking into a room full to the brim with people you know and love, it is unlike anything I have experienced before. Those smiling faces, each one you know and the names for a wonder you remember! Just heart warmingly brilliant <3

Speeches of course were amazing. Tears all around as our dads welcomed us each to their respective family. Friends reflecting on our journey to here, the tears and sniffles. Naturally I spoke. I am emotionally expressive, unafraid of public speaking (especially in front of people I know and love) and had much to share about my Scott-the-lot and Team BelSco. The following #TeamBelSco attached to loved ones social media uploads were unexpected and so delightful. I got to give our loved ones “heart fingers” and tell my man “to me you are lagum, you are my alma gemela, my soul mate, my love”. Scott-the-lot also said very moving things and talked about how he couldn’t help but fall in love with my intellect and wit. In his notes, some words went unsaid because he was embarrassed. But the words “cheeky blue-eyed angel” threaded through every draft he had written.






Of course, there must be some dancing. Although we found that there wasn’t a great deal of it. It could be that day times lend themselves to mingling and conversation which suited us just fine. We had a boogie to Glenn Millers “In the mood’ and I danced with my dad which was very precious (thank you mum for insisting that we do).





Let there be cake! We cut our wedding cake with the same knife that my parents cut their cake with 36 years earlier, aww… Our cake was made by a dear friend out of almond meal and dark chocolate and could not have been more perfect. All of the themed cake bags mum traveled far and wide to find were made redundant because there was nothing left to go in them. Seriously, the cake was Delicious!



We spent the rest of the afternoon snacking, sipping drinks then misplacing them, being pulled into photos, having brief chats with as many people as possible, busting a groove and recruiting help to wrangle family members for group photos! From roughly 3pm folks who had children with sitters started to slip quietly away. Some folks left to catch the footy. As the crowd slowly reduced in size we were able to speak with more people and ended up being the last to leave just after 6pm! It was a whirlwind day brimming with awesome. It just doesn’t get much better than that.

Scott-the-lot and I retired to our suite, sore feet and stone cold sober. We snuggled on the couch in our finery and sat in wonder at the fastest and most wonderful day of our lives. Then we worked slowly through piles of cards and the hilarity in our guest book. We ordered room service and drank a bottle of champagne that was gifted to us. When we finally slept it was a lovely deep optimistic sleep that was our gateway to the first full day of our married lives. We woke refreshed to a clear sunlit day and a knowing in our hearts that we are going to enjoy this adventure we get to share with one another.

“You will speak with everyone and converse with no one” Jen, a family friend

Important note: All of the pictures shown here were taken by Sebastian from SM Photography. He is an incredibly talented photographer and all round great guy. You can find him and more of his work here: https://www.facebook.com/sebastianmerlephotography

If you are looking for an amazing, warm and seriously wonderful celebrant you can contact Emma here:  https://www.facebook.com/emmabasccmc

The new age of friendship

There once was a time when friendships had the space to grow apart then¬†close again as the river of life flowed and ebbed. Those days are gone. Well, I hope they haven’t vanished altogether but there is an insidious presence that is like a virtual skin overlaid on our interactions that causes us to feel closer and more entitled than we perhaps are.

Of course I am referring to social media. In all of it’s wonderful expressions, the soapboxes it gives us access to, the humanitarian causes it deposits right in our hearts, the news and nonsense it barrages us with daily. Among the noise we observe each others¬†lives.

We feel intimately close at the birth of your child, we celebrate your birthday from afar, we experience the highs and the lows, the rages and the celebrations. Without any interaction required. Then we forget that we need to reach out…

We may feel so close to someone that we feel hurt and confused because we weren’t invited to a celebration; we may be offended by how passionately, violently, extremely someone expressed their views; we may even just have seen enough of the copious amounts of any particular thing someone is sharing… and we can delete them.¬†The future present moments that might have been shared, sacrificed for a moment of self righteousness misplaced.

It is a savage and brutal state of play that we find ourselves in when we can literally check out of someones life when we have had enough. Once upon a time, we could drift in and out as life or patience and tolerance allowed knowing that the friendship itself would remain in tact. Part of the joy then was to catch up on all that life had brought during a long intermission.

Now however, it seems like those pauses are suitable only for the special few. The special few who remember what friendships were like. What life is like. Those who can appreciate that there is in fact distance despite the seemingly constant but artificial connection. Those who care enough to be open to the meeting that will inevitably come down that track. Those who might even pick up the phone and say “hey, it’s been a while, what’s news?”. Through it all appreciating that you will reunite with joy and be grateful to have much to share.

When it is us who are cast aside we’ll notice, we’ll wonder and we may even feel sad for a time. But then the world will pull us forward, on to the next pressing thing and sadly, that exit will pass by without fanfare. Life is busy and the people in it are precious. Don’t be too quick to slam the door. Perhaps get to know the “hide” button before jumping on “unfriend”.

“The best rule of friendship is to keep your heart a little softer than your head.” ~Author Unknown

If only I could

I am a bit of a reader of books oriented to making sense of an emotionally turbulent world. I like to make sense of why things happen and why they impact us the way they do. I like to have some idea of what drives us and how we may suffer from our own and other people actions.

The more I read, the easier it is to choose a different way, and the more I wish I had known all of this much earlier. If I had been really aware that we are intelligent beings driven by primitive desires that served to keep us safe in ancient times; If I had realised that my anxiety made me vicious and mean to protect me when  I would prefer to be kind and compassionate; If I had truly appreciated how well we can care for each other, solve problems and communicate our needs from a place of kindness, gentleness and compassion; Then there is a very great deal that I would do differently now. For myself, and most certainly for others.

Love is one of our most powerful drives as human beings, besides greed which is really a throw back to our ancestral days needing to secure the most resources to feed our tribe (at a time when resources were scarce- it has been suggested that as a species we lack a satiety button because we never needed one)… Love., I was talking about love. We yearn for connection, to belong, to be thought of in a positive way and cared for. We need it in fact.

Following a strange breakup- which eventually turned out not to be so strange since he had been seeing someone else- a friend of mine and I connected. Because¬†we were on opposite sides of the country at first we had skype dates, and phone calls, and text messages. I mattered to someone and that person mattered to me. Sadly, meanwhile I was hurting pretty bad from the confusing breakup. I didn’t move far from my bed, I didn’t cook and I rarely changed out of my pyjamas. So these skype dates because pretty important to bring some colour back to a dreary and sad world.

A small amount of time went by, a few weeks. My dear friend flew from the other side of the country to see me. It was very exciting and incredibly romantic. No one had ever done something so grand for little old me before and predictably I felt very special. But not long after he arrived, I began to feel inexplicably sad. I wasn’t ready for this kid of relationship. My mind, with it’s scared and anxious thoughts started to make me believe that there was no way my friend could understand that it was just too much to contemplate a romance and let’s just enjoy each others company. Instead it made me bitchy, crabby, argumentative and generally unpleasant. Long way to come to be treated so poorly.

I realise now several things that could have made for a different scenario. I also understand that in the midst of my angst the kindness centre of my brain was somewhat inhibited and I was in survival mode. But what could have made it better would have been knowing that anxiety is an old world defense mechanism. Knowing this defense for what it is I could have worked at communicating my fears from a place of kindness, gentleness and compassion instead of allowing myself to act from anxiety. I could have held dear how far my friend had come and honoured his hopes with kindness, gentleness and compassion instead of acting like a cornered and caged animal with the surly teeth-gnashing responses he did not deserve. I could have approached our time together as a whole from a place of kindness, gentleness and compassion and allowed us to have fun and forge a lasting foundation of friendship instead of throwing the baby out with the bathwater a midst waves of anxiety generated defense mechanisms based in a fear that he would not accept my need for only friendship.

This friendship was/is important to me. If I could have that time again, with the knowledge I have now, I would do so much differently. If only I could.

“She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.” ¬†~Terri St. Cloud