It’s amazing to me that I last penned a draft, let alone posted here in September last year- Oh for shame! All I can say is that life takes it’s toll on recreational writing 🙂 (it also takes it’s toll on work writing…). An idea or a topic will bubble it’s way into my mind and recently instead of regaling an audience of one here on the internet, I’ve been banging on at my very patient husband- when we are in the car, when he is in the shower, over dinner- where ever he is essentially a captive audience!
The last few months of last year saw me working more, keeping my commitments with friends, going to acupuncture with a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner to help us on our “fertility journey”, and changing my diet every time I got my period to try and maximise our chances (nothing too crazy, but loads of vegetable and loads of preparation time!). Sometime in early October we won the fertility lottery and we are now just over 4 months along.
This pregnancy thing is so not glamorous. I am one of the unfortunate souls who has been quite ill and was so for 14 weeks (this week, week 16, it feels like I may have finally turned a corner!). I mean head in a bucket twice a day heaving your guts up sick. The kind of sick where an actual green hue emanates off you at work. “Pregnancy nose” making toilet breaks torture with at least two said events leading to both ends going. Ick.
Side note: what is with “morning sickness”? It is clearly “early pregnancy sickness”. It is the rare and fortunate woman who only feels ill first thing in the morning. More likely it can strike any time, midnight, first thing in the morning, afternoon, after the evening meal… pfft “morning sickness”.
People started asking questions about the future like “when will you finish up work?” and “have you thought about how it will be when the little one is here?” NOPE! Nope, nope, nope, I have not. I have just been dealing with today, bonding with my bucket that now travels with me in the car and to EVERY room in my house. It is strange in some ways. I abhor feeling and being vommity sick. I’m a sook and have felt quite sorry for myself at times (throwing up in a car park, leaving a BBQ early so I could heave all the yummy delights back up in the privacy of my own home, cleaning the shower after an epic toothbrush induced spew) BUT that sense of miserableness doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful or unhappy about our pregnancy, it just means I also feel sick and the being sick makes me pretty miserable.
So, we’ve had some scans now and I’ve learnt that hubby and I are a massively emotional pair. Our first scan was initiated at 5 weeks and 5 days because of some spotting, around the same time as our first scan last time we were pregnant, which you may or may not have read about in A Sensitive Subject. During this new scan the sonographer said they couldn’t see anything inside a visible pregnancy sack, and that they should be able to see something by now. This was just like last time, in a second I had disconnected, my brain raced ahead to the inevitable D&C and the heartbreak. I had decided in that moment, I wasn’t going to try again. There are women far braver than I who would, but I was out of the game. Not trying, gonna focus on my happy and full life, work I love and be the best damn aunty on the planet to my nieces and nephews. Then the sonographer says “oh, I see something, you’ve moved”. Cue two of the worlds softest grownups shedding tears. There, on the screen was a tiny little shrimp. Two scans later and that shrimp looks like a human baby with a cracking heart beat and two parents who have cried each time we’ve seen them. We’re freaking out a little, but my gosh happy doesn’t nearly do justice to how we feel.
Now I get to focus on my happy and full life, work I love and be the best damn aunty on the planet to my nieces and nephews AND I also get to bumble through this pregnancy and then, all being well, motherhood. Oh yeah, work stayed in the mix because I love what I do and it’s my first baby. The way my brain works, I will drive myself crazy if I don’t give it something intellectual to chew on- and my child will suffer because I will make their development the thing I intellectualise. Better for us all if I have something else to put that intense focus on part of the time 😀
“Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.” ~Jim Cole