If I died tomorrow

If I died tomorrow, would you want to part like this?

Would you be happy with the words we shared? Is there anything you’d miss?

Is there something that you wish you’d said? Or that you never did?

Is there something that if you could take back, you’d do it to part in bliss?

If there’s anything you think you’d regret, should this life pass too soon… take a breath and retrieve it now, before mourning, guilt and loss barrage you.

Whilst I think I’m here a while, we can’t know for sure that’s true.

We must take the chance to vocalise the kind things and leave out the rougher hues.

Speak the things that trouble you then let them go, so that you can live a life of peace and let your true love show.

That way you’ll have no regrets should life take me too soon and you’ll be able to remember us with the love that has shone through.

No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow. ~Euripides

Everybody does it

Providing feedback on a paid service should be the most natural thing in the world really shouldn’t it? You give a business some money to do a job and you need to make sure you are satisfied with said job before it’s conclusion, everybody does it, it’s no big deal…

Well no matter how lovely the business owners, how important the job, I can’t seem to woman up and be assertive (not aggressive or submissive, the “right” amount of assertive). I am always under-powered, seek to please, need to make sure everyone else is okay before I check in with me… sad. I know that this is unhelpful. I know where it comes from. I know it’s source expresses itself actively in my life in the present unchecked, because I lack the skills to tackle it.

How does one say “I’m sorry but I don’t like it” when historically that response has been ignored, railed against or used as an emotional flogging implement? I’m a grown woman and I struggled to let the jewelers who are making my engagement ring know that I didn’t like the ring they had made for me. I cried for 2 days at the sentimental loss and the knowledge that I would struggle to provide them with the feedback necessary to modify my ring.

I am driven to please and ensure everyone is okay. Your well-being before my own. On the occasions that I am assertive or voice my truth it is because for a moment I feel truly safe and like the repercussions, if any, will be repairable. I am not one to rock the boat. My sweet fiancee is the first person to have exposure to an uncensored Bel. He knows how I feel and I say what I mean. With him I am liberated and free, completely honest in all things. But god help me, I can’t seem to be able to translate that to all areas of my life.

I have a kind of motto that essentially goes like this “The day you stop learning is the day you take your final breath”. I don’t know if it is true in so far as for all I know learning continues beyond the grave. I also grant that I came across it somewhere and I am not the first to think and feel this sentiment. And so I try. I sometimes break down in unrelenting tears because I can’t muster the courage to do more than that. But I try.

With my ring, well the wonderful man that is my future husband came with me and we spoke to the jeweler together. Which was really me speaking and him standing by my side like my own personal rock of Gibraltar. The irony is that, as could be expected, the jeweler was lovely, completely understanding and wants to make certain that I leave with a ring that I love. I just needed to take a deep breath, and anchored in my strong sense of empathy, be honest.

As this difficulty expressing myself relates to the rest of my life, I’m going to try and apply exactly this premise- remain anchored in my empathy so that I come from a place of understanding love and be honest. I need to rock the boat when it is important. For my sanity and to sustain the love I have for the people that I need to be able to express myself honestly with. Everyone else seems to have the knack. I just have to practice.

To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves – there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.  ~Joan Didion

Over-done

As the days and weeks whiz by at super speed I can’t help but sheepishly avoid your cyber eye contact…

My goal is to move my body daily right? Be healthy, happy and not pressured… so I tried out an intensive fitness regime and managed to throw my back out in spectacular fashion! This faux par set me back for weeks.

I have been gingerly moving myself around and battling headaches, being restless on long car rides and unable to get comfortable for sleeping because I took my modest but healthful goal and OVER DID IT!

I can smile about it this side of several physio appointments, but let me tell you kids, we’ve all been there. Our desire to speed to the finish line overwhelms us, the possibilities sparkle and entice us and we throw ourselves bodily into the mill on the promise of having it all! Which for me was a speedier attainment of an exercise induced zen state with the added benefits of svelte musculature come my wedding day.

Now I don’t need fancy muscles, all I need is to be healthy and happy. I can tell you ladies and gentleman that just like you, all I need is a moderate sustained increase in my heart rate everyday. That could look like a brisk twenty minute walk. I did not have to almost kill myself over doing it to achieve this sense of well-being, in fact doing so has lead me to a very low key sedentary few weeks that I will (hopefully) not rush to repeat.

I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training. ~Author Unknown