This old heart of mine has been kicked around a little bit. Some stories are stranger than fiction and I am considering writing a book… But not today. Today I would like to share some prose induced by pain. I would like to assure you first that I present it from a very happy, secure and safe place but the insights for me in the second piece are gobsmacking. Bear with me.
The morning is unwelcome
I don’t recognize today and am weary
The clouds hang low, menacing
The tear soaked pillow beneath my head is uncomfortable
Too warm under covers I seek out the coolness of the empty sheets beside me and remember
Tears spring forth with force adding their weight to an already sopping landscape
I fall asleep with tears and wake to them
Today and I are not friends, I hope I can recognize tomorrow
If only sleep would return so I can slip quietly from this unfamiliar place
It will not come
I don’t think I need to explain this one. But it came out of the most extraordinary pain. It was exquisite. I have never felt it’s like before and nor will I again. But I am glad for it. My heart bled these words out quickly and within hours followed it up with these:
Bright eyes shine with a sense of fun
I don’t think you are prepared for what you’ve begun
The girl reserved you thought you knew
Has been diluted since meeting you
Now full strength her essence glows
She’s all a twinkle and full of prose
Her way in life is one of fun
Of spirit, confidence, friends with you being another one
Full of life and love and a depth unfathomable
She may delight in making you uncomfortable
Not to excess but certainly seeking
To challenge your current ways of thinking
She is amazing that’s for sure
This belle of whom you are about to see so much more.
There it is. The very reason we were doomed. I read these words back and I sigh. It is so clear. And I don’t know about you, but this was not the first time this girl had been subdued since meeting someone. There are a few things that will do- the person you have decided to share your time with will not remember why they were drawn to you, and you will feel isolated, gagged and not free to express your spirit and assert your wants and desires. I would love to analyse all the ways and reasons this happens. But the bottom line is we put the other person first, bend to their lifestyle choices, and essentially join them in living their life without rocking the boat instead of sharing our lives.
Literature on co-dependence will tell you to leave this person, find someone you actually connect with and can express yourself freely around. Someone who shares in affection, adventures and seeks you out equally. Once upon a time I didn’t know what this looked like. But trust me, you should listen to the experts. It is worth it. Heartbreak and loneliness within a relationship cease to exist when you share your time with someone who you can shine with.
“Fall seven times and stand up eight”~ Japanese proverb