Just one more time

This old heart of mine has been kicked around a little bit. Some stories are stranger than fiction and I am considering writing a book… But not today. Today I would like to share some prose induced by pain. I would like to assure you first that I present it from a very happy, secure and safe place but the insights for me in the second piece are gobsmacking. Bear with me.

The morning is unwelcome
I don’t recognize today and am weary
The clouds hang low, menacing
The tear soaked pillow beneath my head is uncomfortable
Too warm under covers I seek out the coolness of the empty sheets beside me and remember
Tears spring forth with force adding their weight to an already sopping landscape
I fall asleep with tears and wake to them
Today and I are not friends, I hope I can recognize tomorrow
If only sleep would return so I can slip quietly from this unfamiliar place
It will not come

white wash silouette

I don’t think I need to explain this one. But it came out of the most extraordinary pain. It was exquisite. I have never felt it’s like before and nor will I again. But I am glad for it. My heart bled these words out quickly and within hours followed it up with these:

Bright eyes shine with a sense of fun
I don’t think you are prepared for what you’ve begun
The girl reserved you thought you knew
Has been diluted since meeting you
Now full strength her essence glows
She’s all a twinkle and full of prose
Her way in life is one of fun
Of spirit, confidence, friends with you being another one
Full of life and love and a depth unfathomable
She may delight in making you uncomfortable
Not to excess but certainly seeking
To challenge your current ways of thinking
She is amazing that’s for sure
This belle of whom you are about to see so much more.

There it is. The very reason we were doomed. I read these words back and I sigh. It is so clear. And I don’t know about you, but this was not the first time this girl had been subdued since meeting someone. There are a few things that will do- the person you have decided to share your time with will not remember why they were drawn to you, and you will feel isolated, gagged and not free to express your spirit and assert your wants and desires. I would love to analyse all the ways and reasons this happens. But the bottom line is we put the other person first, bend to their lifestyle choices, and essentially join them in living their life without rocking the boat instead of sharing our lives.

Literature on co-dependence will tell you to leave this person, find someone you actually connect with and can express yourself freely around. Someone who shares in affection, adventures and seeks you out equally. Once upon a time I didn’t know what this looked like. But trust me, you should listen to the experts. It is worth it. Heartbreak and loneliness within a relationship cease to exist when you share your time with someone who you can shine with.

“Fall seven times and stand up eight”~ Japanese proverb

Heartbreak to hope

There are some incredible people sharing their stories with the world on the interwebs and I am wholeheartedly thankful. The world can sometimes be a shitty place full of money grubbing use-your-tax-payer-dollars-to-ruin-the-environment-and-kill-all-kinds-of-life-to-line-my-pockets types of people… and then there are the ignorant minority who know little but speak loudly who have no care for the harm they do, and boy do they do harm. Well this has been the kind of week where bigots and insane government policy got me down. Tears were shed, hopelessness felt, and a very real, very distressing desire to step out of society and dwell in the wilderness became a strong pull for me.

This week came at a time that I was trying to get my mojo for work back. I do work that has always been fulfilling and intrinsically rewarding for me. I couldn’t work with computers, engineering, money. I want none of it. What has always floated my employment boat has been working with people. Making life better in big and small ways for people that have a hard time doing what they want and need to do through disability, injury or old age. I just love me some warm fuzzy helping make things better/easier/possible for someone else. And this hasn’t been tarnished for me by media reports about humans doing bad, scary things because I have successfully managed to have my head in the ground about current events for a long time. Probably very much on purpose actually, from a time that I started to feel jaded and pulled myself out of the way of reports of nastiness, vile actions of hatred, violence and (ironically) ignorance. But then in my ignorance I was free to love helping people with a full heart, unfettered by the capacity for cruelness that seems to lie in each of us…

So in this week, this strange but poignant week, many things collided in my psyche. The environment, our habitat, our life support system called. My heart and passion for my work was still incredibly AWOL and I had no idea how to retrieve it or if I could. I started writing, preparing for my website because the website started out as a way for me to express myself in my rambly, bumbly way and maybe share with people who experience some of the same or entirely different experiences to myself. I cried for baby wolves locked in steel cages, I raged at the cruelty and ignorance of people taking lives of sharks when a heavily contentious piece of policy was still not in action. I felt helpless that my government could risk the lives of people who travelled a long way in dangerous conditions seeking sanctum, by turning them back, turning them away, refusing asylum. This week my heart broke, repeatedly.

And from the wash of my own pain, through voicing my concerns, bombarding my dear friends’ facebook news feeds, I was able to hear that I was not alone. At a dinner party with friends the issues I had been struggling with were raised by my hosts and they let me know, in the extraordinary comfort of face to face exchanges, that I was not the only one feeling pain, whose heart was breaking at the sight of the world around us, a world gone mad, a world in disarray. In this care I saw hope. I reflected on all of the examples of people coming together to shine a light on so many causes, some of which I have been moved to action on. I felt comfort.

There is hope. I can draw a deep breath and have faith that we as a community are moved by the circumstances we face. All around us, when I looked, are people fighting for causes and shining the bright light of hope and human compassion. People risk their lives every day to promote the importance of maintaining the natural balance of our eco-system, advocating for the lives of people who find themselves in difficult circumstances and sharing wisdom to free us of our brow beaten entanglements. People fighting for what is right, what is fair and what is healthy for this planet and all she supports, human and other. I am grateful, I am humbled, I am hopeful.

“Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.” ~ Howard Zinn

Bumbly first steps

Deciding that I was going to write a blog as a vehicle for creative expression and development of my writing coincided with my partner claiming a domain name for his online business. And so, in a very bumbling move I failed to google search the name I wanted for my blog- bumbling through life, instead I searched domain names… And it was available! Hooray! So I erroneously thought that I had struck gold with an original name and I could not believe my luck! I mean bumbling through life is such a wonderfully honest, open and candid name for a blog right?
Then came the day that I was finally rested and energised enough to write my first piece, which has not yet been posted due to this website needing some work before I could use it… And I finally google searched “Bumbling through life” and what should happen? There are at least five blog spot/wordpress blogs dedicated to bumbling through life. I didn’t go further because I just felt pretty rotten that I had failed in the most obvious of steps in looking into undertaking a blog. I could be up and running by now. I would have not offended the honest, get down and real with life people already actively exploring life from this perspective- because that is definitely not what I want to do. I just got caught up in the website name claiming goodness that comes with a business and didn’t see that there were other, cheaper options available to me… because I didn’t look. Should I join masses of users of blog sites where I may get some exposure, or stay here on this website hoping someone may bumble across my path? I’m going to stay. I started this process to develop my writing and express myself creatively. If you come across this, welcome! I hope that the words you find here are heart-warming and encouraging more than they are sad. And thank you for your time in reading and sharing with me.
It reminds me of the time I walked into the wrong room at a conference because I mis-read the title of the meeting and met some of the people that would prove to be important collaborators in the progress of my work… It was awkward and yet so rewarding!

muddy oops

And the time I was hell bent on capturing a moment…

dark balloons

 Worth it.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That’s how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen